I brought dinner to a mom last week who had just had her 6th baby. Her oldest son is special needs and this new baby was born five weeks early. It's fair to say that she has moments of feeling overwhelmed. She was expressing that she just wasn't bouncing back as quickly this time so taking care of everyone was harder. This brought up a discussion about feeling overwhelmed and an aspect of it that I feel very passionate about.
More...
Enjoy Them Now...
As a mother of seven myself, I have heard that phrase more times than I cared to. You know the saying, "Enjoy them now because they'll grow up so fast and then they won't be there to ____________." Fill in the blank as you wish:
- Make a mess
- not go to sleep
- throw a tantrum
- fight with their sibling
Right? It's always at times like those listed above that this phrase tends to surface. This is the time when a mother is at her whit's end. Right now she needs to know that it's okay to feel overwhelmed. She also needs to hear that she's normal for wanting to have some extra help or some time to herself.
The least helpful thing I found at times like this was to have someone essentially tell me to "suck it up" because some day you'll miss all of this.
Your Feelings are Valid!
I'm here to tell you, mothers of young children, that what you're feeling is normal and valid. If you're feeling overwhelmed and tired and fed up, it's okay.
Thinking about a time in the distant future when your kids will all be grown and gone is not going to change how you feel right then and there.
Right now you are overwhelmed. You cannot relate to how you will feel when your kids are all grown up. It hasn't happened yet so you have no idea what that will be like.
You have a right to the help you need now. Somehow you need to find someone who understands that and is willing to help you where you are at that moment. Maybe it's your husband, maybe a family member or friend. Whoever it is, find them and express to them how you're feeling.
If, instead, you happen to find a person willing to spill that platitude, smile politely and walk away. Don't let them make you feel bad for your current feelings.
This is Why I Can Say This
Now that my kids are at that stage when they are leaving the "nest" and moving away, the feelings I have now are way different than the feelings I had then.
I miss my kids, yes, but I miss them because I miss our conversations and daily meals together. Our relationship has grown and matured, as it should. There's been a lot of time between the days when I felt overwhelmed by the constant noise and now.
What I felt when I had seven kids all vying for my attention every moment of the day and what I feel now that they are mostly all grown is completely different. Both feelings are intense and both are valid, but they cannot be compared.
What to do Instead
So, please, if you come across a mother who is struggling, offer her support, or help, or a shoulder to lean on. Please, with all your might, resist the urge to tell her to enjoy the time now because soon her kids will be grown and she will miss this.
Mothers who are overwhelmed and need a break: know that your feelings right now are valid. Find someone who will listen and help.
Don't worry about how you'll feel when your kids are all grown up. That future time will be the right time to worry about that.