A friendly homeschooling gathering. Families who have known one another for a long time getting together to enjoy each other. This is always a good thing and if you are part of a group like that, count your blessings. One thing to always be on the look-out for, however, is the comparison trap. This trap is powerful and, if you aren't careful, can ruin everything in its path. Here's how to spot it and how to shut it down.
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I'm very passionate about this topic because I saw the negative effect that the comparison trap had on many good homeschooling families. You see, we had a family in our homeschool group that really stood out from all the others. Their kids were very outgoing and talented in many ways. They loved to take on big projects, I mean BIG projects, and succeed at them. This family was prayerful and kind and very generous with their time and talents.
Sounds like the perfect family, right? In many ways they were. The problem was when people would put them on a pedestal and "worship" them in an unhealthy way. I had many conversations with families who were forlorn because their kids didn't match up. They would be frustrated because their kids weren't as smart or as talented. Some even considered not homeschooling anymore because their family didn't look like this ideal family. What were they doing wrong, they wanted to know.
It was always so sad to see parents berate themselves and their kids because they weren't living up to the standards that they had placed on this other family. Now mind you, this ideal family knew that they were not ideal. They would tell people that their kids misbehaved and they lost their cool, but it didn't seem to make a difference.
How to Spot the Comparison Trap
By focusing so much on how you don't measure up, in your own opinion, to someone else, you are taking your focus off of where it should be. Here are some things to look for to see if you are falling into this trap.
- Are you constantly comparing your kids to other kids who you feel are smarter or more well-behaved?
- Do you get depressed by looking at other families on social media?
- Have you forgotten that God calls different families to different talents and ways of life?
- Does it sometimes feel like you've gotten the short end of the stick when it comes to how well your kids don't behave, pray, play together, [insert whatever you want here]?
- Do you wish that your family was as holy as other families appear to be?
Extricate Yourself Now!
If you see some of these things in yourself, the time to stop it is before it consumes you. The biggest danger of the comparison trap is when you get so down about who you are/aren't and what you are doing/not doing compared to others that you quit doing what God is calling you to do. Not doing God's Will for your family because you don't feel that you and your family are as good as someone else's family is wrong. Here are some things you can do to get yourself out of that trap!
- Take a long break from social media.
- Begin a gratitude journal and really think about all of the blessings that God has given you and your family.
- List off all of the good qualities of each of your children - and you and your spouse!
- If there are things that you know can be improved, set out a plan to improve them. Pick one area and work on it together.
- Find your strengths and focus on them. Do things together that you all enjoy and that you are good at.
- Pray together as a family.
- Pray on your own for the grace to see the good inside your own house and not worry about other people.
- Realize that you are not seeing the whole picture about that "ideal" family that you know.
Let's face it, we all fall into this trap once in awhile. We're human, comparison is natural. The key is to not get stuck in this comparison trap. It is when we get stuck that it starts to ruin things. Recognize the trap then have a go-to plan on how to get yourself out of it asap. Remember, "God made you special and He loves you very much" (emphasis added as a reminder to you).